I have always felt as though I don’t belong. As far back as I can remember in this life it has been like watching from the outside looking in. As a young girl I was protected from these feelings because people described me as shy. My parents validated this and I soon found comfort hiding behind my father’s legs or grasping his thumb and using his arm to shield my face when we would go out or go to church. As a teenager I wanted to belong somewhere. I no longer desired to hide and, well, at some point it’s just not cool to use your parents as your shield…I decided to start searching. I set out to find my voice, my platform. I searched for that place. I looked for belonging in alcohol. I sought after it in boys. I would spend entire days searching for it, ditching school to go explore new areas and new people….It always turned out in a mess. I was always in trouble. It seems I was always trying to find some way to disrupt….everything.
I honestly don’t think this disruptive cycle ended until I was in my thirties. It took an entire life change and some serious, life altering decisions to open my eyes. This blog shares my journey, a little bit about where I’ve been and more about where I am going. I don’t have a wild, jaw-dropping, hit rock bottom story. Really, I think I am pretty normal. I am a woman who lived the first three decades of her life for others because she couldn’t find her own way, or didn’t know how. I am a woman who searched for love and acceptance in all the wrong places and in order to get to the right place, people had to get hurt and there were casualties.
But I am here. I found my path. And I have to believe I am meant to share my story for the other women (and men) out there who feel they are doing it all wrong and feel lost. We all have a story to share and hopefully by sharing mine you will find yourself encouraged and see that change can happen.